22 Years~

On this day 22 years ago, my oldest brother was killed.
I was 7 years old & my life changed in that instant.

It was a car accident.
My brother was driving along minding his own business when a drunk driver smashed into him head-on.
My brother was killed instantly & his wife of 4 months, who was passenger in the car, survived but was severely injured.

22 years ago.

It has always & will continue to always feel like a part of me is missing.
Like there is a gaping hole in my heart where he belongs.
As if there's a dark, empty abyss in there which should be full of colourful memories of him.
I feel that if he was still alive, that we would be the best of friends.
As i am with my sister & my other brother.
Being so young when he died, i have practically no memories of him.
All i know of my oldest brother is what other people have shared with me about him- about his personality & their memories of him.
These make him come alive for me & help me learn about who he was.
Throughout my life, so many people who knew my brother have told me how similar we are.
This, for me, is one of the highest compliments someone could ever give me.
It lights me up from the inside out to know that even in a small way, i am similar to him.

The grief never goes away.
But, as always, you move on with life & life moves with you.
Days roll into weeks that roll into months that roll into years.
But that doesn't mean that my brother, or any lost loved ones, are ever forgotten.
No matter how long it has been, they will always live on in our hearts. 

It continues to surprise me when people try to dictate to you their personal opinion of how you should grieve & for how long you should grieve.
How dare someone conjure up their own opinion of your sadness & pain and add that to your existing grief & put a time frame on such a personal aspect of life.
We all grieve in such vastly different ways.
Who are we to judge how someone else grieves or for how long or condemn them when life moves on.
Some lock away grief for years & years, others wear it on their sleeves for the world to see.
For some its short, sharp & emotional. For others its a long, drawn out process.
No matter how you grieve & despite what peoples opinion of said grief may be, the way you do it, is 100% perfect for you. 

xox


*Note- I'm not writing this to gain your sympathy.
This is purely an outlet for me.

The Pursuit of Happiness~

No, I am not talking about the Will Smith movie.
Note the different spelling in my title & his movie title.
(His is 'The Pursuit of Happyness.')
What is it about humans that gives us a driving force to find happiness?
To keep searching & to keep pushing ourselves until we have a measure of it.
Are we depressed? Does our life suck? Stuck in a mind numbing, meaningless job perhaps?
 ***
Where do you look for happiness?
What do you look for?
Perhaps it's found in a new pair of expensive shoes, an overseas adventure, a new house, a new car.. you get my drift.
***
I was stuck in a mind numbing meaningless job where i worked in a white box aka office.
No stimulation. No fun. Laughs were few and far between and were often at someone else's downfall or expense. There was no appreciation. There were no perks. There was no commendation.
Oh and my boss liked to look at porn from his work computer.
Not the most ideal situation.
6 years i lasted there. 6 YEARS.
You want to know why i lasted that long?
I got comfortable. I was good at what i did & it came easily to me.
The hours were good & it was close to home.
Those were probably the only good things about my job.. and my boss used to buy me a coffee each morning. That was nice.
But that aside, I hated it.
My friends knew it, my family knew it, everyone knew it.
And then one day, something changed.
It was something internal & my life took an unexpected turn for good..
I decided to save up as much money as possible & go on an overseas adventure.
And i did it.
I quit my job.
And spent 4.5 months overseas on an amazing adventure.
You know what, quitting was one of the easiest things i have ever had the pleasure of doing.
The day i quit, i hadn't even planned to do it then.
Circumstance changed & my only option was to quit my job then & there.
***
Now that i have been home for a few months, i feel like the sun has started to shine on me once more.
It feels like i have escaped the depths of misery.
The longer i am away from my old job, the more i can see how much of a weight was lifted off me when i quit.
I knew i had made the right decision when my boss wasn't even sad to see me go. There was barely a reaction from him. That was the cherry on top which cemented the fact that getting out of there was the best option.
Recently, I have made some self discovery.
I am happy.
For the first time in as long as i can remember. I feel happy.
Happy. Content. Relaxed.
And i am petrified that it will all be snatched away from me.
xox

'Clever Boy' // Justin Hunter // New Single.

As many of you may or may not know, the Blue Mountains in New South Wales, Australia are currently burning.
I'm not even kidding or saying that in a metaphorical way.
The Mountains & surrounds are literally on fire. Bushfire.
And have been for the last week.
Firemen have swarmed the area & are doing their best to control it.
And they are doing a brilliant job!
'Burn, baby, burn!'
Has never been more relevant!
But here, i would like to focus on the positive, not the negative.
I was privileged enough to visit the Blue Mountains over xmas / new years last year.
Can i just tell you how amazingly, rugged & beautiful it is up there!
WOW.
The first time i ever went, i was about 4 years old so i remember absolutely nothing!
This time had a different impact on me.
Sitting on a cliff edge, a cider in hand & the sun shining on my body.. looking out into oblivion, mountains & valleys as far as the eye can see, the sun streaking down..
I felt free. For just that moment, i felt absolutely free.
Nothing else in my life mattered except just 'being.'
I was lost. Completely lost in the moment.
It's amazing how easily i can take myself back to this very moment & relive it.
And calm. An overwhelming sense of calm washed over me as soon as i sat down, took a deep breath & devoured my surrounds.
I could've stayed there for days just sitting, just taking it all in, just being & it would not have been a waste of time.
It's an amazing feeling & if you ever get the chance to visit the Blue Mountains, i promise you, you will only get caught up in the magic of the moment.
The only regret would be not going.
I would go back in a heartbeat & look forward to the day that i do.
***
Something else positive has recently come out of the Blue Mountains in the last week or two.
Local Katoomba boy Justin Hunter has just released his latest music single!
Drum roll please.. introducing 'Clever Boy.'
And is it a treat for your ears & eyes!
If you don't believe me, have a look at the music video~ which yours truly helped film.
Justin has grabbed some of Melbourne's hottest & put them all together in one almighty clip: http://youtu.be/uNK_trhZCkc
There's a lot to take in, a lot of different faces & it really does make for an interesting music video.
It leaves the viewer guessing until long after it's finished..
Who won the arm wrestle? Why is there someone wearing motorbike gear? Why is there only 1 brunette girl? Who is the song about? Why aren't i in it?!
I had to throw that last one in.. just for kicks, you know.
If you liked it enough, here's the itunes link:
https://itunes.apple.com/au/album/clever-boy-single/id723137801

Before i forget, i also took the photo for the single cover~ Proud!
xox

L O S T

Have you ever lost something?
Your keys? Your phone? Your cat? Your car? Your friend?
It's the most frustrating thing to deal with!
'Hello?! Where are you? I thought i left you right there.. ?'
You wonder to yourself how on earth you could be that stupid to lose something that means so much to you.
Something so valuable!
Something that only comes along once in a lifetime!
Something that you need on a daily basis!
Something that you cannot live without!
Your life depends on it.
But maybe you don't realise that yet..
I guess time will tell.
For years it's been *right there* each time you needed it. So reliable!
And now, it's nowhere to be found.
Searching high & low for it, you feel like a fool, how could you lose it that easily?
It seems you've treated it lightly & thrown it away like it was trash..

After a while, you've given up hope.
It's lost. It's gone forever.
You are never getting it back.
Then one day you stop.
You have a good, long, hard think about this..
You actually open up your eyes & look.
And you realise that what you thought you lost, this thing that was so valuable to you, that you can't envision life without, has been right in front of your face the entire time.
You just needed to see it.
And grab onto it.
But is it too late?
Perhaps life has moved on just a little bit too much.
Did you change your locks because you lost your keys?
Did you get a new phone?
Did you adopt a new cat?
Did you buy a new car?
Did you find a new friend?
xox

GIRLS NIGHT~

Those 2 little words bring so much excitement to ones weekend.
'Girls Night.'
Oh the mischief we get up to!
I'm not talking about a hens night.
What i'm talking about is getting together with your girlfriends, dressing up, wearing heels & painting the town red.
Any other colour would not suffice.
Last weekend, i had a long overdue Girls Night.
It started out good & just kept escalating into euphoria as the night went along!
Let me share my story with you~ this is purely from my perspective:
So i met up with 2 chicky babes & we scoped out a hot, new, pretentious restaurant in Melbourne.
Ofcourse, being as 'cool' as it is, they don't take reservations & were fully booked.
Feeling disheveled, we headed around the corner to this little bar i know to drown our sorrows with a cocktail until the rest of our group arrived.
Now, have you ever been to a bar & instantly noticed the hot bartender? Yes?!
Well this is one of those very rare occasions when all of the bartenders were insanely good looking.
I actually couldn't cope with life.
This one in particular.. oh. my. heart.
He was ridiculous. Ridiculously handsome. Mesmerising. Mysterious.
So. I try to be cool, calm & collected as i approach the bar & HE takes my order.
Ofcourse HE does.
I had to turn away because i couldn't deal with watching him make my cocktail.
He was so suave.
Eating strawberries in front of me, a toothpick hanging out of the corner of his mouth, a grin every now & then..
Yes, gorgeous man, please continue your showy display of excellence.. 
After standing there awkwardly for what felt like a millennium & trying not to look too much like a pervert..
He had finished mixing my drink. Finally.
You know when bartenders make a cocktail & they taste test?
He dipped a straw into my drink, taste tested & staring me down with a glint in his sparkling blue eyes, he said to me...
'Yummy.' *cue grin.
I died.
It took every ounce of whatever is inside of me, not to collapse right there & fall into a pile of 'Im yours, take me now!'
I needed to leave. My girlfriends thought i was crazy, but i didn't care!
We met up for dinner with the rest of our girls & then hit up another bar afterwards.
To say we got VIP treatment is an understatement.
7 Girls. All in cocktail dresses. Smiling. Giggling. ahem *strutting* ahem..
We took a chance & asked for a private booth behind the bar.. 'Yes girls, right this way!'
'Oooh, thankyou kind sir!'
'Here, take this booth.. right next to the DJ & here's a round of delicious chocolately shots for you all, on the house, but ofcourse!'
So many smiles ensued & so many giggles were shared!
It was so much fun!
'Here, have this cocktail.'
We had our own little dance party~ to the envy of onlookers, aka, commoners who did not have their own booth.
We danced our little bums off all night long~ Requested our favourite songs & boogied away!
Stopping for a breather, a random on the opposite side of the bar noticed myself & one of my other girlies & within a couple of minutes, he'd ordered us a shot & had it delivered by our bartender.
I've always wanted that to happen & it finally did! It was a first for me.
~it really is the little things that count, trust me~
After a few more freebies from some friendly people, we decided to call it a night.
Feet aching, hair messed up & purses still full of cash, we ended it on a high!
Lets rewind & repeat x infinity, yes?

The only real problem with a girls night is..
They don't happen often enough.
xox
ps- This is the highly edited version because we all know, what REALLY happens on Girls Night.. stays on Girls Night!